Twelve years ago, half way through our twenty four years of marriage, I wrote this blog, “Memorial Stones”, to remember God’s faithfulness at that time in our lives and so that we would never forget. Meditating on God’s faithfulness, and abiding in His goodness through life’s hardest times is the strength that steadies me, comforts me, allows me to surrender completely, trust confidently, and enlarges my faith–the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not yet seen (Hebrews 11:1). This is only possible in and through God’s strength, not my own. As I was struggling to figure out which of the updates to keep a record of here from Eric’s hospitalization (August 5th) to heavenly homegoing (September 28th), I counted that there were twelve not yet recorded here. Instantly, God brought the passage of the twelve memorial stones from Joshua 4:20-24 to my mind. “When your children ask their fathers in time to come, saying, ‘What are these stones?’ then you shall inform your children, saying, ‘Israel crossed this Jordan on dry ground.’ For the Lord your God dried up the waters of the Jordan before you until you had crossed, just as the Lord your God has done to the Red Sea, which He dried up before us until we had crossed; that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, so that you may fear the Lord your God forever.”
I then recalled when God had comforted me through this passage during one of our hardest years in Haiti. This is what I mean when I quote our Haiti mentors who always reminded me, “You know, God sees ahead.” Twelve years ago I shared,
Eric remembered this as he aimed to lived out 2 Corinthians 5:9. He gave his best for the Lord each day until he crossed over to glory. So I will share all twelve of the last “memorial stones” that God put on our hearts to share in his last days. May the lives we live (whether here or away with the Lord) continue to share God’s faithfulness and impact this world that is still in need of hope and rescue–“that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, so that you may fear the Lord your God forever.” (Joshua 4:24)
For those who haven’t yet heard or read, please click on the photo for the link.
The past eight weeks without Eric have been a flurry of emotions with the family, a whirlwind of many necessary and mostly painful to-do’s, navigating next steps, travel for Africa and Haiti mission work, continuing to teach my Junior High girls at school, and a short getaway trip to process and just be by the ocean with a dear friend. It’s been good to stay busy, take deep breaths when it all feels overwhelming and just do the next thing. God is with me in it all, so gently leading and guiding me forward. I plan to share in the near future how God is leading me and the ministries onward. But for now, I need to backtrack a little before addressing the future.
I haven’t yet found time or capacity to connect with everyone my heart longs to and send personal thank you’s to each of you who have ministered to our family over the past months in so many ways. I pray for the opportunity to do so as soon as possible. I realize that most of the updates I have written either only posted to the GiveSendGo page or Facebook. In hindsight, I wish I had copied the updates to this ministry page, and also reached out to more people by phone as I’m learning there are many who never saw the online updates. I plan to copy and paste some of the most meaningful past updates here so they are not lost when the GiveSendGo site is taken down. Whether it is just for me or someone else, I never want to forget God’s goodness and faithfulness in this hard journey.
While I know I could not have managed more than I did/am, and what I have been able to accomplish has only been in and through God’s strength, my heart has remained burdened that there are people very dear to Eric and I who did not know about Eric’s cancer journey, and/or his passing. Some have asked me throughout this journey, “What has been the hardest thing for you?” For me, “the hardest thing” has been when I get a call from a friend wanting to catch up,, or running into someone in a store or appointment who had no idea either about Eric’s sickness or that he is no longer with us. My heart is never quite prepared for these moments and facing them has been the hardest thing. It’s much easier to embrace the grieving process with others when you do not have to explain the source of the grief time and again. Watching or listening to the response of these loved ones shocked by the news of the past year, has been really heavy for me—and I’m sure for them. Although I know there is much grace for this, I need to say, “ I’m truly so very sorry” to our friends, family and ministry partners who perhaps didn’t know about the severity of Eric’s health journey and graduation to glory.. If I could go back and change this part, I would. I sometimes wrongly assumed (or just hoped), Eric had already told you, when he had not. We were fighting battles that were so very hard. I’m now experiencing the casualties of war while Eric gets to experience the joys of heaven. I am thankful Eric is no longer suffering this battle, but if there’s one thing I’m mad at him about, it’s that he has always left me behind to handle the hardest parts of our lives together. The truth is, as was mentioned by one of his Pastor/mentors during the celebration of life service, “Eric was a deflector.“ He didn’t like to talk about the battles he was personally facing. And if he could avoid sitting with his own hard realities, he would (preferring to ask about your hard things and sitting with you instead). Even the first time (January 2023), when Eric was in the ICU for a week, his weekly prayer and pickleball buddies messaged his phone (which I had since Eric was unable to answer) asking why he wasn’t on the court that week. His surgery had been scheduled for weeks. Did he even tell his local buddies about it? Nope. So please don’t think I’m only referring to friends, family and ministry partners who have loved us from afar. This “hardest thing” has also been a very near and frequent scenario for me to navigate. I’m pretty sure I processed through the anger stage of grief a long time ago, but if there’s one thing that still brings up an angry sadness for me, it’s this injustice. Some of our dearest friends simply didn’t know. And now, whenever I encounter them, I have to be the one to tell and once again endure the shock of this news. This has undoubtedly been the hardest thing. Yet, God is an ever present help, holding and carrying me. He will never leave me, nor forsake me. God is able to do this for you too.
The fast approaching holidays are now bringing new waves of grief. My heart is letting me know the holidays are going to be the next hardest thing. So my Comforter keeps whispering,
Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me? Jeremiah 32:27
No, I don’t believe so. Because it is facing the very hardest things that make knowing and loving Jesus even sweeter. And knowing Eric is with Jesus makes sharing my hardest thing, the sweetest thing too. Because then, I get to share about Jesus, Who endured all the hardest things we can ever imagine, for me and for you. Will you join me in trusting Him with all our hardest things?
